la verdad truest

baseball in the street-

2009-11-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

ive made some decisions that i hope i can stick to and im going to try some things that will be new but i hope pan out.

everyday i see you and still can't reach you. *

-instead of going to the bar all the time and drinking way too much and then not remembering everything but still knowing ive been a fool, ill be back at the gym.

-i do still need to understand that someone needs to play the fool and for reasons that i do not always believe it seems to be me, but that doesnt need to be true. if you think before you speak and dont just act on emotion, you can be who you want to be. i think lately its been my part too much and it is certainly my own doing.

-i am not an observer of my life.

i am sincerely sorry for the way i have treated you and hope that you can forgive me. **

i know that there are different people i write to through this and they may never know but through the change of my actions i hope they understand and believe that i know who i am, who i wish to be, and what i am capable of. i try and i have failed and i know that it happens, but i hope that i can fix that. i have a million memories and a lot of them are good and i dont want to lose that by becoming overly critical or cynical because of the wrongdoings.

-i hope someday you can look at me with the same love you once felt, even if it doesnt quite mean the same to you. you said there would always be a part of you that loved me and i hope that i havent destroyed that. ***

is there anything i can do to take a more active participation in the remedy of this situation?

what can i do to stop comparing and reliving?

why do memories sometimes seem more like a punishment than a gift...?****

FML

2009-09-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

i lost.
i think im getting my shit together but dont know yet, maybe ill find out later.
it seems to move so slowly when we are full of anguish and when there are smiles on our faces it goes quickly, so it always seems that there is too much of one and never enough of the other. its not something i understand. its something i sit and wonder because we talked about life and what would be lost and what would be losing. but it is better to have than to always hold i suppose. and maybe thats because it can always circle and it is better that way, to let go but never walk away...
a note from a book-

"what is it? My dear?"

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

"Bear what?"

"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"

"We can be quiet together, and pretend- since it is only the beginning- that we have all the time in the world."

"And every day we shall have less. And then none."

"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"

"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere." -A.S. Byatt

time is slipping

2009-08-21T13:35:00.001-07:00

i love the boy.
time is slipping away. that was the "title" of my horoscope this week. which discussed moving on from the bad things that we've gone through in our past to be in charge and understand our lives as if they never happened. theres been a lot in the last 3 months that i am proud of and that i think has made me become a better person. nothing that i think anyone else would understand however. when the boy and i first got together i warned him that if given the opportunity i would probably sabotage our relationship- not because i would want to but as a mechanism ive learned about myself and vulnerability. i am happy to say that in the last couple of weeks not only have i not sabotaged, ive fought for, with true understanding of what i would be missing if i lost. but i dont think ill lose. i think that when we come to a certain point in our lives we are allowed to look at ourselves and our counterparts (friends,family,partners) and have a better understanding of why and that gives us the strength to forgive and move on with it. right now i am attempting my hand at the patience to step back and not let go, to be able to hold on. because i love him that much. because i need to understand what it is to be overwhelmed and caught up but still in the throes of wanting. i think they are dually possible. and i am more than willing to stick this through, because of what in my heart is the overwhelming gratitude of who he is, who he can be, who we are as a couple, and how i believe we continue to grow and teach each other lessons about life and what we can do with it. God gives us the opportunity to understand and I believe that this is one of the matters of which we will come out stronger on the other side. In ourselves and our partnership and our love.
i went to a memorial this morning and would like to recognize the life. the thing about about living is that all living must die, the thing about being a person, or an intelligent being, is that we are faced with the knowledge of it. we are told as we are growing of how quickly life goes, how you can blink and its over, and the older you get, fortunately and unfortunately, we better understand.. its easy to forget how easy it is to forget. hopefully my personal quest at reaching out and attempting to connect to this life and the people i love in it, will not fail and we can all understand.

new news haha

2009-06-05T20:50:00.001-07:00

i like a boy.

yes.

2009-05-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

currently, at this moment i am sitting in a coffee shop in the elmwood district of buffalo. its a great area, very cool, laid back, people are my kind of people. they are intelligent and educated and inspirational. and yes ive been using that term a lot lately but thats because of how important inspiration is to motivation and motivation to production.

to click

2009-04-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

going back, or being impressed upon by the last couple of months and watching people i really care about show how inspirational they are.. ben and steph are amazing. they have the kind of love that we all dream of, fantasize about, and fear we won't find. they are friends, they have mutual respect and gratitude for each other, and you can see in their eyes that they will make the long haul. theres no one looking over their shoulder to see what else is there, like ive so often felt in my own relationships... and ive got other friends who in their relationships are friends and lovers and companions. i see clear differences between those 3 terms and what they entail. the other day i was discussing qualifications for a spouse (haha) ya know, what i am looking for... i know one person that fits me, and who i look at and can say that everything i do is just better if he does them with me. the stupidest days and the oddest situations. and as long as he's there i can laugh... and i love the comfortable silences. but im not pursuing that right now because the time isnt right... but if it is it will be. and it will click.

flight stuff

2009-04-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

For quite some time i've been meaning to write this new note, there are some things id likje to throw out there.. where to start? always a lifetime ago... there are a couple of experiences id like to share from my flights back from portland. 1: we are in the air going over the rockies and the turbulence was so great that the plane wasnt just going up and down, but also back and forth. crazy. ive been through turbulence but nothing quite like this, it was actually like a rollercoaster. and im sitting next to this older couple and at one point the woman grabbed the mans hand and gave him a little kiss and told him she loved him and i was wondering if she thought we wouldnt land... and how great it is that they were together and that she could still show him affection. 2: on a second flight during this same trip, we were waiting to take off and this little girl was crying because she had been sat separate from her family. so the girl she was with, im assuming her older sister, asked the guy that was sitting next to her to switch, which he did... but the man i was sitting next to was talking to me, telling me about how he'd just come from surprising his father for his 80th birthday and how their family hadnt been all together in one place in so long... and his father had kicked him out when he was 17yrs old and how thankful this man was for his dad pushing him that way. he said that years later his father had said to him that he thought he needed to be put out because he wouldnt have grown up any other way, but that he was glad because he'd become a good man. ive thought about this man a few times since that flight. i have this whole thing about people showing their true nature, having a bit of morality, humanity even, and i think that there are certain times that colors are really shown. and i think that we know theres only certain ways to go, and most of the time we choose the right path. i worry about the times we dont. do we fight for humanity... humility?

no sleep and a quick note

2009-03-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

in less than 4 hrs i will be in the air on the way to portland, itll be great and fun and safe. im super excited to see steph again and meet ben and check out another awesome city. i love adding places to where ive been! really. theres been a lot and nothing at all going on. not anything i wanna get into right now, only because im beyond overtired. after another of the same conversations last night and the anxiety that i feel when flying, i didnt sleep. well, an hour. an hour of sleep in the last 40 hours. not cool. i have no idea how im functioning except that im so wired... but its gonna be fun. and ill be fine. indeed. =)

to you from me... so you understand

2009-02-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

there are certain things that i think are pointless, things i think are happy, sad, whatever. when i was younger i was quiet, i just didnt think that i had anything worth saying... those times are gone. and now i just say whatever the fuck comes to my head regardless of what the consequences might turn out to be. im not going to say this gets me in trouble, i refuse to apologize for being honest. but what happens when the honesty makes something really great turn to something really bad? at least really bad for now... is it bad? is it worth saying that im still living my life because i am trying not to regret, im trying not to pretend im something im not, im trying to be sure that if there was nothing left im not walking away wishing id done something different. and im glad that i have come far enough to recognize when i have made mistakes and that i attempt to rectify them. there was a time that i made excuses not to be who i really was and not to feel the emotions that i really felt. i guess now its your turn. so, the short of that is that i do apologize for not getting there quicker, but i think the time is why its so good now. and i feel like a fool but i also feel like i know theres no one walking out. maybe walking away for a minute, but not walking out. and i understand the fear completely because ive sat in that room trying like hell to make sure no one found me. and the truth is that you did, and you kept knocking. one of my favorite lines is from Hemmingway, he says, "By then I knew that everything, good and bad, left an emptiness when it stopped. But if it was bad, the emptiness filled up by itself. If it was good, you could only fill it by finding something better." so now i want to tell you that i hope you read this and that you dont shy away. and that there is nothing better, no one better, not for me. maybe i really am a fool. maybe i need to be. i wrote this list of qualities that i think are best in a man- my favorite things, the things that ive learned i like and dont like through the experiences ive had: "I want the man who can give me shit and take mine when im in that mood. and who is honest with me even when it might hurt and even if it might not be in his best interest. and who tells me that he doesnt like being touched when hes sleeping but will pull my arms around him anyway. and the man who looks at me and knows when somethings wrong and doesnt accept it when i try to tell him its nothing. i want the man who pushes me to be my best self but will still let me be my honest self. i want a best friend and a lover in the same man. and i want the man who will walk away when its best but will never leave for good. i want the man who apologizes when he knows hes wrong and even sometimes when he just knows its better. i want the man who smiles at me and makes me wonder why, and who looks at me so i know why exactly. i want the man who will defend me if i need him to but knows that i can take care of myself." this is the man that will give me my happily ever after, but with good music, campfires, and long nights of laughter and tears.

uh-oh

2009-02-06T14:38:00.001-08:00

i need to figure out what i'm doing pretty soon. i am starting to apply for more jobs and looking at more schools. first i really need to figure out what it is that i want to do...

Because...

2009-01-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

between every moment is a brand new start. and though i probably shouldnt love you, i just cant help myself. and its for all of the reasons that you might not guess. or you may already know. what happens to the day that you know you cant walk away, and even if you could you wouldnt want to?

engines on

2009-01-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

theres a couple of things that ive been thinking about:

a) that gut wrenching kind of sob that can only be omitted when love is struggling.

b) ive been working on this letter of confessions, the good kind.

c) im moving home, ive been in this apartment for about a year and a half and ive made some decent friends and i am super excited to be moving home, but i will be a bit nostalgic about leaving at the same time.

update #1

2009-01-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

Well, as you know, I finished school last month. I have been trying to figure out what I was going to do, what I am going to do... And I have finally completed the first step. In February I will be moving back to the farm. I've applied at a couple places in Syracuse and I think that things on the job front will work out. Beyond that, I have no idea... I am going to apply to grad school at SUNY Oswego for Art Ed and see if I can get in there for the fall. I am thinking of going back to Germany, but don't know if economically it makes a lot of sense. At this point, we'll just have to see what happens...

On another note, there are 3 of my friends getting married this year which is SO exciting and I am so thrilled for them- Congratulations!! The first is in March. This is for Stephanie, and I'll be flying to Portland to watch her GET MARRIED!! Crazy business right there, and I can't wait to squeeze her and her beau Ben =)

heres how it hangs

2008-12-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

i cant stop laughing when ive had too much wine and my aunt has been drinking. i think that MB looks like the Capt. from the Sound of Music, and I think that one Mr. BMM is just sad and I wish he would let me help... The boys stacked yesterday and I thought it was cute. it is currently 230 am and i dont think that red and white mix well. i miss a farewell. and an accent. and home, and him. ugh. its been too long since ive immersed myself and i think its time to let go because thats when i do my best. btw, him and home are not the same. though i may be. how sad is it that a beep is lingering and longing in the same moment? you went wrong when you walked away. and youve always walked away, whether you knew it or not. i hate that you hold me to this, and i hate that i havent learned yet. i want the tide. in so many ways. and the modern day knight. are they the same? they both come in and change the world. dont disregard me. you think of me when you dont realize it, and you need that. and i need that? and this isnt coming from wine of laughter or honesty, just of me. there were eyes i thought i would always look into that i havent seen in years.

Teuss.

yesterday-

2008-12-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

yesterday was my last day of classes as an undergrad student! technically i'm not quite done- i have a final in history of photography on wednesday (which i'm not worried about) and i have to have an exhibit on my vfw project in january. so really i have until february 1st to be officially completed. even so... i'm not really worried. i need to find a space to do the exhibit. thats the most difficult part.

so yesterday... i had class, then i did some printing in the lab, and then i went to work. after work i came home and had a couple large glasses of red wine and updated my site and what not.. here's the problem: i was alone. and yes this is partially my own fault, i couldve gone out. but i didnt. i have reasons for this (excuses?) which are a) it was snowing hard core and my car was acting funny in 4wd so i didnt want to drive b) that i feel as if i keep making efforts and not getting it back. you can tell who your friends are when you stop making all of the phone calls...

so. thats it for now.

http://web.mac.com/desiraelocke/iWeb/Site/Veteran%20Voices.html

before sunset

2008-12-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

just listen.

breakthrough?

2008-12-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

is it possible for an artist (in any visual medium) to just make a "pretty picture"? Is it possible for work to only be aesthetically pleasing without conveying a concept? I thought once that maybe, but its virtually impossible because the artist is producing the work for some reason, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it, it would be a waste of time and it would be unsatisfactory even if they did complete it. However, a pure document, I guess it depends on your version of pure. If a photojournalist is snapping photos of events, the events are pure (those moments are actually happening we assume) but by choosing what to shoot and not shoot is the subject then tainted by the photographer? Where is the line drawn between myself and my work- I mean are there people that can call themselves photographers but actually put down their cameras?

that was a response to an email about camera lucida... below is part of the teachers response to that: interesting.

Difficult to call oneself a doer if one does not do anything.
To simplify one might say that a photographer uses a photographic camera, others use photographic processes to achieve their goals. Their goals and production may ultimately define who/what they are.

i need to make a decision about whats next very, very soon.

inquiry-

2008-11-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

why do the men in romance novels always have long hair? and why are we so stuck on new technology that continues to disrupt personal connection?

how ironic that im writing this on the internet with no idea of who may be reading....

i've set you apart...

2008-11-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

I liken you to red wine and summer evenings. You are the mist that brings out the light. I feel like we've been chasing tails for a lifetime. Once you told me that I would love someone more than you one day, I'm still waiting. I told you that you fell like the star that I wished upon. I traced imaginary words on your skin, but they weren't in my imagination. I see you in my dreams and wish that I could scratch you to know that you aren't real- I wake up missing the scent of you. I search in old letters and remaining memories, as if you would suddenly appear from the depths that we've created. In your gaze I was created, and part of me was left there. I welcomed you in, and you called me home. I was tongue tied and happy, and you said that I saw all that there was in you. I could hear you smiling. Come back to haunt me and then help me escape. The drum is still aching and the supposed-to-have-beens are in floating ambiguity. The numbers have been knocking on doors and climbing through windows but continue ending up in the same room. Let go, hold on tight and pull me out from inside.

the smell of snow

2008-11-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

it may be officially that time of year! There was a thin layer that stuck to the ground tonight when I went to walk the dogs and the air carried that musty winter scent.

On another note- I watched Candy this afternoon. We watched this on the wall the other night, but I needed to see it again, on my own. And before the end I was balling. The film is about 2 junkies in love. It has Heath Ledger in it, and he's so beautiful. and the characters are so in love and then go off the deep end. but the thing is- the whole time i'm rooting for them to just make it through- to stick it out and live happily ever after- of course. and though they dont choose each other, they still choose their love. its more than either of them can control.

and then of course, you.

looking for Abby

2008-11-07T16:29:00.001-08:00

So on October 16 2008 I went to see Khaled Hosseini speak at the University at Buffalo. At the end of the show I waited in line and had Dr. Hosseini sign a book, and had my photo taken with him. Here's the problem: it was the girl in front of me, Abby (Didn't catch her last name) who took my photo! She was very nice, I'm guessing a student, pretty; tall- maybe 5'9 with curly brown hair, Greek looking maybe? I gave her an artist statement from a photo project I did, with my email on there so she could email me the photos. Its been a few weeks now and I haven't received any correspondence. Maybe I shouldn't be concerned as of yet, but I really want to see the photos because, well, I really admire Dr. Hosseini and I'm fairly certain that I won't get the chance to have this experience again...

Does ANYONE know who this girl may be? Or how I find her...?

Sunshine and orange leaves

2008-11-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

This is the kind of fall day when the sunshine lifts the mist, the wind sheds the trees of their leaves, and shadows are demanded to become part of the landscape...

It seems to me today that my entire existence has been wrapped around the validity of the past. Documenting. Somehow proving to myself, and my world, that there is a reason. I know the reason that I do this for myself, and its the same reason that I show people. Its finding the answer to the questions of a thousand years. In so many words... And I just don't want to lose my life. At the personal level, when I take a picture, its proving my own existence. Anything I leave behind will show the people of the future that I was here, I did exist, and I lived these experiences. Its the same reason I wrote in a journal for years and years, and the reason that I write this now. And at the same time, there are already things I forget, if I read over writings from my teenage years, or talk about the past, I have clips of memories, but not always the whole scenes- and when we look at a photo we are transported back to that second when the shutter flew. I have my staple memories like my mother feeding my vienna sausages in our kitchen on Oneida St. when I was still in a highchair, or getting 3rd degree burns from the ashes when we were camping. I can even remember my mother dropping me off at school one day, it was raining, I believe I had a miss piggy backpack and umbrella, she cleaned my cheek with her thumb and my umbrella broke in the wind when I was walking into the school. Its funny the way our brains work to hold onto things like that... I could go on, but I'll stop here letting you relish in your own memories, and me in mine.

Failure is not an option.

2008-11-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

What happens is that I seem to work from the end to the beginning. By doing this, I imagine the project as completed, and after the gusto of the concept and initial work, I slow down before the real work begins. This is a problem. The other problem is how ambitious I am, not that ambition itself is the problem, but when I imagine my projects in the largest scale, I'm easily disappointed when they have yet to make it to what I think is their fullest potential. And ultimately I am afraid that this will cause me to fail, and that cannot happen.

undoubtedly

2008-10-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

I should keep these thoughts to myself. they may be fleeting, because you may be fleeting. but there needs to be an outlet besides the wind and the trees.. you are a recurrence for me. once upon a time, and maybe once again, there need be only a word and i would join you. how can i ask you to let me be and love me in the same sentence? i always come back to you...

ide

2008-08-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

im not always certain what i intend to write before my fingers start moving or the pen starts flowing. the problem with them pen is that i fear no one else will get the pleasure to share... i watch a movie and ache for what it stands for, that every piece of me is trembling at the chance... and i remember the trembling- not just in my body but, well.. maybe i dont need the words but just the experience. and maybe by having the experience i can be more, open to the future?

note

2008-06-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

am i really down to once a month? really? you'd think i would have more to say... well quick note- things are going well. i'm moving forward with my photography trying to see if i can find a job at a newspaper or something along those lines... get noticed for a bit of freelance... check out creativevoices1.blogspot.com

my cuzzo

2008-05-11T20:10:00.001-07:00

Once- Falling Slowly

2008-04-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

and im feeling good

2008-03-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

ive been super productive, getting my work done, im actually reading something that isnt required (Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver) and a couple weeks ago I read Khaled Housseni's second book, which of course proved to be fantastic, A Thousand Splendid Suns...and what not... and then tonight i went for a swim and a steam. and i realized i need to start doing this more often. i love it. it feels so good.i am so relaxed when i step out of the water and into the steam room... and yes.

ps. does anyone actually read this?

misty morning

2008-03-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with the relentless notion of the day... i dont always wake up this way, but, its getting to the end of the semester and i am beginning to feel it. its overwhelming. so, to my surprise, after i had a mediocre shower, i got dressed and walked the buggas. this is where my day changed. it was raining, lightly. it was foggy. the mist... I LOVE THIS. the dreamy state... it makes me quite nostalgic for travels ive been on. walking through NYC to meet the train, waking up far too early to raft in Ottawa... i feel at home when i travel. but the mist and early mornings also bring me back to you. and as beautiful as the mist is, the morning and the halo glow around the light...

hello kitty.

2008-03-18T20:25:00.001-07:00

Now I'm an animal lover as much as the next uh,,,animal lover, but this is just ridiculous ridiculousness- A glam cat, hybrid that costs upwards of $22K!! "Brodie used a "secret recipe" to mix an African serval and Asian leopard cat with a domestic cat, to create the world's most expensive feline hybrid.The Ashera, an exclusive product of Brodie's firm, Lifestyle Pets, resembles a little leopard and can weigh up to 30 pounds. But it's more suited for lounging than stalking prey."
now cmon. you can go to the SPCA and get one for like $25 and they are just as cute and lovable. I can't imagine being in the position of spending that much money on a cat-- A CAT! I'm flabbergasted.

Le Carnival du Portrait

2008-03-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

FBI audits

2008-03-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

An audit by the inspector general last year found the FBI demanded personal records without official authorization or otherwise collected more data than allowed in dozens of cases between 2003 and 2005. Additionally, last year's audit found that the FBI had underreported to Congress how many national security letters were requested by more than 4,600.-- http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080306/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/senate_fbi

Under this administration there have been serious laws broken and leniency given to individuals that (of course) did not deserve it. Anyone up for a coup?

MINDWEB.us

2008-02-27T20:06:00.000-08:00

Go to that site!! See my work and other great locals from all different mediums =)

Doomsday Vault

2008-02-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

">

I hadn't heard anything about this and then I see this video. Well, its a great idea, maybe its a bit problematic because of the location (IF anything disastrous occurred) it would be difficult for the average person to obtain the seeds and know how to grow them. I wonder... is it locked? Are there instructions on how to grow the varieties? Muy interesante.

And though it is meant to sustain seeds, I wonder if this vault will become storage for frozen animal/human dna and such as well...

racing

2008-02-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

With all of the turbulence and goings-on in the world at large... where is the voice? I mean when you look back on history, there's always a revolutionary, a dramatic, singled out someone that sees things more clearly and can articulate him/her self so that others eyes are opened as well. who is that now? And why with all thats going on are so many people just sitting instead of out on the streets calling for a difference? Has it gone so far that people don't think it can change? Are we losing the fight? And where is the front at all- why doesn't everyone see that we're on the same side?

my mailbox

2008-02-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

In my mailbox at work today there were a couple of very random things. One was a prayer rug, basically a piece of paper, that had one of those pictures of Jesus where you look at it and his eyes open... When I was younger there was one that hung on our wall and I remember being amazed the first time I looked at it and his eyes opened, today I tried it and I thought they opened, but it wasn't nearly as bold. Then I looked it up and its a scam, they send these out from a PO box in OK and then people are supposed to send back money. Why do people continue to take things that should be so pure and ruin them? The story about it (at least part) is at http://george.loper.org/trends/2003/Apr/815.html

The other thing was a little business card that on one side says :

A Thought for Today

This is the beginning of a new day! God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good, what I do today is important because I'm exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place, something I have traded for it. I want it to be gain not loss, good not evil, success not failure in order that I shall not regret the price I paid for it.

and on the back it says: Most Holy Spirit, soul of my soul, I adore you! and it goes on in that manner.

I thought this was interesting, no matter the religion, I'm always intrigued by it. The inner workings of all that I don't understand.

Besides that, I'm working on projects and enjoying the quiet. What are you doing today?

missiles and moons

2008-02-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

Last night was a full lunar eclipse! Yes, and though a lot of people couldn't view it because of cloud cover, I was fortunate. It started around 8.30 really, and was visible until around 11.30 when it got very cloudy here... It is the last one until 2010.

Also want to note that they (the U.S. gov't) hit the satellite.... They aren't sure yet if they hit the fuel tank, which was the purpose of launching the missile, but said that they should know in the next couple of days, and the debris from the satellite should enter in the next 40 days, though it will burn up upon entry. I still question how all of this will work out, it can't be good for out atmosphere/galxing to have missiles and satellites and shit... I always wonder what the consequences are going to be...

NASA

2008-02-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

There is a video that talks about the US shooting down a satellite. My favorite part is when the administrator from NASA says "theres almost nothing we can do here to make it worse, technically almost anything will make it better..." You have GOT to be kidding me. NASA. Aren't they supposed to be a bit more articulated than that? I mean. Damn... Here, I am going to try to be positive here and say, they know their jobs better than I do, and so I will trust them to know what they are doing...but I do wish that they could construe a bit more confidence in their own decision than theres nothing we can do to make it worse... Oi.

Next time maybe we shouldn't send spy satellites into orbit. Don't we have enough phone taps and such planted right here? Right? Its crazy to think of all the things going on that I (or you for that matter) have no idea about. Its scary. I wonder how much I would want to know... But I think that if its something that was going to directly effect my life that I could find out. Hmmm.....

Hopefully going to Can tomorrow! Should be a good time. Its always nice to leave the country =)

lets missile down a satellite!

2008-02-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

you've got to be kidding me with this. no i don't really have a better idea, because i'm not in the business of shooting down satellites, but does anybody else feel like we're just kinda wingin it here?? i mean, it's a dangerous situation either way, but... is sending a missile- a missile- up into the atmosphere to hit a fuel containing satellite, thus blowing it up- really sound like a good idea?? seriously?? they don't know where it will enter and don't know when they will hit it... when this satellite lost communication, wouldn't they have started working on a plan then, instead of waiting until it was a month from impacting the Earth, and saying "gee guys, anybody got an idea?" i mean, seriously... anybody feel like theres way more there isn't telling us- like that they are more concerned, or at least theres more to be concerned with? maybe not. lets hope not.

and its valentine's day...woohoo? yup. i wore red today. thats what ive got to say.

have a happy day!

sonrio*

a thought

2008-02-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

Driving to work this morning I had this thought: there is one difference, in my opinion, between a wise person and a fool, and that is there ability to learn from another person's mistakes...

Evolution?

2008-02-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Lovin' the YouTube today!">

miri ben-ari

2008-02-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

So we all get a chance

2008-02-08T12:56:00.001-08:00

I remember vividly the first time Bush was "voted" into office. I stood in my living room shaking my head, and turned to the person who was in the room with me and said that it was a mistake and that we were going to war. All of the bad that was about to occur... I knew then... And now, we are at a point of change. We finally have the power to refresh the country. We are at a time that allows us the fortune of choosing our future. I worry that people assume too much and care too little about their future. I feel that by doing little we are doing nothing and in turn receive nothing. I worry that too many are leaving their decisions to be made by someone else, and by doing so permissions are being granted to replay the history that has brought us to where we are today. I worry that eyes are blinded to the truths, and that the truth- though being sought for, is being passed by because of the misgivings of the liars of the past. My capacity of desire is brimming and I wish that there were words enough to describe what is echoing in my head. I believe this man is genuine in his intentions, and I wish that everyone could see that we are all interconnected, that what is best for you is what is best for me. By living our days with respect and sincerity, by opening ourselves to the possibility that a man going to bed hungry a thousand miles away is our problem and our own hunger, that we are equals as citizens of this country and this world, and because of that it is time to change our way of thinking- from the I to the WE. Open your eyes.

azithromycin

2008-02-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

Lets start on this note- I feel like a pile of poo. I have bronchitis, again. I had this in Oct. and this makes me unhappy. The DR put me on an antibiotic that I may be allergic too, but is strong enough to knock this out of me, so I deal... Yesterday I could barely stand up I was so dizzy, and just hopped back and forth between my bed and the bathtub. So please understand that my head is not completely clear right now.
A) So, this was interesting to me -Euros are being accepted in NYC! Quite interesting. The dollar is getting weaker and weaker as we all know and some business owners have clued into this fact. What I question is this- they are accepting EUROS and the article I read said that some are waiting to convert the $$ and some are bringing it into their banks as usual... Aren't the banks not only hitting them up with the correct conversion but also charging them a conversion fee? Because I know my bank does, when I would take EUROS out of my bank in DE I would then have a $5 currency conversion fee. I'm bad with numbers so I am just trying to figure out how this is really working out for the businesses. Somebody help me out on this if you know the answer.
B) Heath Ledger. I really liked him so this is upsetting to me. Not only was he gorgeous, but he really was talented. Now, it was a shocker to find out that he was found dead. Unbelievable almost. But now we find out that it was because of an accidental overdose, that the combination of drugs in his system basically overloaded him... Who the hell was his DR? Half on the US right now I think is on combinations of drugs for whatever reason, some I understand while other I think are full of it, but on the most basic level- a body is not malleable. A person can not load their body with altering drugs and expect their not to be consequences. Honestly, I started seriously questioning the intentions of DR's when my own OFFERED me prescriptions for sleep medication and anti-anxiety. This is a problem. The same way that any child with energy has ADHD and must need medication, ridiculous.
C) Great story, Utah couple goes to photograph wild horses and gets stuck, but gets rescued after 12 days. They'd written wills and letters to their 19 yr old daughter. http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/02/07/utah.couple/index.html

I think thats going to be it because I am tired... and I think I'll make some eggs.

Sonrio*

voting survey

2008-02-03T11:53:00.001-08:00

Who should you vote for?

Barack Obama				37
Mike Gravel				24
Hillary Clinton				6

You expected: Barack Obama
Your recommendation: Barack Obama

Party: Democratic

Born: 1961, Honolulu, Hawaii

Family: wife and two daughters

Career: Business International Corporation; NYPIRG; attorney and constitutional law lecturer

Political career: Member of the Illinois State Senate from the 13th district, 1997-2004. Incumbent Junior Senator from Illinois since 2005

Hot topic: Universal healthcare

Did you know? He is the only African American currently serving in the US Senate

Supported by: Oprah Winfrey, Eddie Murphy, Will Smith, George Clooney, Halle Berry, Scarlett Johansson, Morgan Freeman, Michael Jordan, Jamie Foxx, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Ed Norton, Jennifer Aniston, Zach Braff, John Cleese, Leonard Nimoy and Brooke Shields

my wish list

2008-02-02T22:57:00.000-08:00

randomly...i'm watching a movie and contemplating...

here's what's going on in my head- just a tad

what i look forward to/what i love about this crazy life:

lazy sundays with wine and music of the otis redding-van morrison variety

kim's kitchen, because it's always brimming with laughter

watching people pray- whether it be on a mat or a rosary

the way water feels when i first splash in, the sand between my toes

and salt on my skin

campfires.

chatting with kids, even if they're miserable

the way my dogs look at me with their unconditional love

the smell of a fresh film canister and watching an image develop

the books i don't want to put down

shooting stars

sitting on the steps of the met

hosting dinners

travel.

diving- it's like being in a different world

knowing that i have become and continue to become the person that i always wanted to be

fresh black berries

dirt on my skin after working in the yard

accents and hearing other languages

people without pretenses

getting together with my family

being read aloud to

the wind in the trees- thunderstorms- lightning bugs- and the smell of home

laying in a hammock

walking barefoot

being the little spoon

the memory of my grandmother's laugh and sigh

my grandfather's lifesavers

breakfast with my mom and dad

and 3am breakfasts with my friends

tea

snowfall in streetlamps

reflections in the rain

.....

this list could go on, i encourage you to write your own...

moe. show and minor gripe

2008-02-01T11:08:00.001-08:00

This was yesterday at New World Record (myspace.com/newworldrecord) a free in-store show for an independent record store- going out of business- The store was small and the show was quaint. The guys came out and played about 8 songs...They changed up their playlist about mid-set, mixing it up between some older stuff and new music from Sticks and Stones. I really enjoyed All Roads Lead to Home, and wish I knew the all instrumental that they played towards the end...if anyone knows- help me out. I wish I'd been able to see their sold out show at The Town Ballroom, but maybe I'll see them play again another day. At the end of the show they did line up for a meet and greet, so I got to meet them too! Grand Times. If anybody wants to see ALL of the photos I took, go to Buffalo.com/Spotted.

Now onto other things...I have no heat in my apartment. Its currently 50* inside and thats cold. They tried to fix it last night, but I guess it didn't work...I got a fish and named him Timothy.

Something to look into:

Violence in Kenya- theres something going on here. There always seems to be. Anytime you get a group of people together who are frustrated and hungry and desperate, they are going to act out. You can say what you want, but until you've been put in the situation to act, then its a load of shit coming out of your mouth. The best thing a person can do is not judge, but ask what can be done, and ask the persons involved, not the academics that claim to know. Go to the source.

I continue to believe that if each person, instead of saying it can't be done, just went ahead and did what they could, we could turn the negative influences in this world around. If each person actually did all of the things they wish they could, in terms of the dynamic of the greater community, a balance would be reached.

waiting to sleep

2008-01-29T21:15:00.002-08:00

Quote of the day: "I just say out loud the things that other people are thinking." -me

can anybody tell me why the entire congress gave Bush standing ovations for everything he said during his LAST (yay!) state of the union address?? seriously? because unless they heard something I didn't, there was no need for applause, unless they are as happy as i am that he is almost out of office... It wasn't even a good show, I wouldn't see it again...

Yesterday I made a list of (so far) 24 countries that I would like to visit. I'll attach that list later, you'll see it, but off the top of my head:

Bali, Tibet, Australia, Costa Rica, Estonia...

I figure I should do at least one country a year. Does anyone want to join me? Any ideas?

FYI- i love my horoscope this week- FreeWillAstrology.com

resolution

2008-01-28T20:19:00.001-08:00

We are just less than a month into '08 and recently I realized what I wanted my resolution to be: I am going to be more affectionate with the people that I care about. I'm certain that this makes sense to those of you who know me well. Its been a joke and its been a bother-- but I'm fixing it.

Also, I would like to call attention to the power of positive thinking-

Cynicism is running rampant and every time we allow ourselves to behave forlornly, we allow the energy of the world to continue in a destructive manner. - seek out the good. Search for Good News if you are overwhelmed by the misgivings of the world, there really is plenty of positive things happening. Good News Network is one site you can check.

Furthermore- we are indeed at a pivotal time, make the change you wish to see. Respect each other, and the lives you wish to live will become the lives you live.