to you from me... so you understand

there are certain things that i think are pointless, things i think are happy, sad, whatever. when i was younger i was quiet, i just didnt think that i had anything worth saying... those times are gone. and now i just say whatever the fuck comes to my head regardless of what the consequences might turn out to be. im not going to say this gets me in trouble, i refuse to apologize for being honest. but what happens when the honesty makes something really great turn to something really bad? at least really bad for now... is it bad? is it worth saying that im still living my life because i am trying not to regret, im trying not to pretend im something im not, im trying to be sure that if there was nothing left im not walking away wishing id done something different. and im glad that i have come far enough to recognize when i have made mistakes and that i attempt to rectify them. there was a time that i made excuses not to be who i really was and not to feel the emotions that i really felt. i guess now its your turn. so, the short of that is that i do apologize for not getting there quicker, but i think the time is why its so good now. and i feel like a fool but i also feel like i know theres no one walking out. maybe walking away for a minute, but not walking out. and i understand the fear completely because ive sat in that room trying like hell to make sure no one found me. and the truth is that you did, and you kept knocking. one of my favorite lines is from Hemmingway, he says, "By then I knew that everything, good and bad, left an emptiness when it stopped. But if it was bad, the emptiness filled up by itself. If it was good, you could only fill it by finding something better." so now i want to tell you that i hope you read this and that you dont shy away. and that there is nothing better, no one better, not for me. maybe i really am a fool. maybe i need to be. i wrote this list of qualities that i think are best in a man- my favorite things, the things that ive learned i like and dont like through the experiences ive had: "I want the man who can give me shit and take mine when im in that mood. and who is honest with me even when it might hurt and even if it might not be in his best interest. and who tells me that he doesnt like being touched when hes sleeping but will pull my arms around him anyway. and the man who looks at me and knows when somethings wrong and doesnt accept it when i try to tell him its nothing. i want the man who pushes me to be my best self but will still let me be my honest self. i want a best friend and a lover in the same man. and i want the man who will walk away when its best but will never leave for good. i want the man who apologizes when he knows hes wrong and even sometimes when he just knows its better. i want the man who smiles at me and makes me wonder why, and who looks at me so i know why exactly. i want the man who will defend me if i  need him to but knows that i can take care of myself."  this is the man that will give me my happily ever after, but with good music, campfires, and long nights of laughter and tears. 

uh-oh

i need to figure out what i'm doing pretty soon.  i am starting to apply for more jobs and looking at more schools. first i really need to figure out what it is that i want to do...