baseball in the street-

ive made some decisions that i hope i can stick to and im going to try some things that will be new but i hope pan out. 

everyday i see you and still can't reach you. *

-instead of going to the bar all the time and drinking way too much and then not remembering everything but still knowing ive been a fool, ill be back at the gym. 

-i do still need to understand that someone needs to play the fool and for reasons that i do not always believe it seems to be me, but that doesnt need to be true. if you think before you speak and dont just act on emotion, you can be who you want to be. i think lately its been my part too much and it is certainly my own doing. 

-i am not an observer of my life.

i am sincerely sorry for the way i have treated you and hope that you can forgive me. **

i know that there are different people i write to through this and they may never know but through the change of my actions i hope they understand and believe that i know who i am, who i wish to be, and what i am capable of.  i try and i have failed and i know that it happens, but i hope that i can fix that. i have a million memories and a lot of them are good and i dont want to lose that by becoming overly critical or cynical because of the wrongdoings. 

-i hope someday you can look at me with the same love you once felt, even if it doesnt quite mean the same to you. you said there would always be a part of you that loved me and i hope that i havent destroyed that. ***

is there anything i can do to take a more active participation in the remedy of this situation?

what can i do to stop comparing and reliving? 

why do memories sometimes seem more like a punishment than a gift...?****

FML

• i lost.
• i think im getting my shit together but dont know yet, maybe ill find out later.
• it seems to move so slowly when we are full of anguish and when there are smiles on our faces it goes quickly, so it always seems that there is too much of one and never enough of the other. its not something i understand. its something i sit and wonder because we talked about life and what would be lost and what would be losing. but it is better to have than to always hold i suppose. and maybe thats because it can always circle and it is better that way, to let go but never walk away...
• a note from a book-     

"what is it? My dear?"

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

"Bear what?"

"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"

"We can be quiet together, and pretend- since it is only the beginning- that we have all the time in the world."

"And every day we shall have less. And then none."

"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"

"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."    -A.S. Byatt

       

time is slipping

1.  i love the boy.  
2.  time is slipping away. that was the "title" of my horoscope this week. which discussed moving on from the bad things that we've gone through in our past to be in charge and understand our lives as if they never happened. theres been a lot in the last 3 months that i am proud of and that i think has made me become a better person. nothing that i think anyone else would understand however. when the boy and i first got together i warned him that if given the opportunity i would probably sabotage our relationship- not because i would want to but as a mechanism ive learned about myself and vulnerability. i am happy to say that in the last couple of weeks not only have i not sabotaged, ive fought for, with true understanding of what i would be missing if i lost. but i dont think ill lose. i think that when we come to a certain point in our lives we are allowed to look at ourselves and our counterparts (friends,family,partners) and have a better understanding of why and that gives us the strength to forgive and move on with it. right now i am attempting my hand at the patience to step back and not let go, to be able to hold on. because i love him that much. because i need to understand what it is to be overwhelmed and caught up but still in the throes of wanting. i think they are dually possible. and i am more than willing to stick this through, because of what in my heart is the overwhelming gratitude of who he is, who he can be, who we are as a couple, and how i believe we continue to grow and teach each other lessons about life and what we can do with it. God gives us the opportunity to understand and I believe that this is one of the matters of which we will come out stronger on the other side. In ourselves and our partnership and our love.   
3.  i went to a memorial this morning and would like to recognize the life. the thing about about living is that all living must die, the thing about being a person, or an intelligent being, is that we are faced with the knowledge of it. we are told as we are growing of how quickly life goes, how you can blink and its over, and the older you get, fortunately and unfortunately, we better understand.. its easy to forget how easy it is to forget. hopefully my personal quest at reaching out and attempting to connect to this life and the people i love in it, will not fail and we can all understand. 
   

new news haha

i like a boy.

yes.

currently, at this moment i am sitting in a coffee shop in the elmwood district of buffalo. its a great area, very cool, laid back, people are my kind of people. they are intelligent and educated and inspirational. and yes ive been using that term a lot lately but thats because of how important inspiration is to motivation and motivation to production. 

to click

going back, or being impressed upon by the last couple of months and watching people i really care about show how inspirational they are.. ben and steph are amazing. they have the kind of love that we all dream of, fantasize about, and fear we won't find. they are friends, they have mutual respect and gratitude for each other, and you can see in their eyes that they will make the long haul. theres no one looking over their shoulder to see what else is there, like ive so often felt in my own relationships... and ive got other friends who in their relationships are friends and lovers and companions. i see clear differences between those 3 terms and what they entail. the other day i was discussing qualifications for a spouse (haha) ya know, what i am looking for... i know one person that fits me, and who i look at and can say that everything i do is just better if he does them with me. the stupidest days and the oddest situations. and as long as he's there i can laugh... and i love the comfortable silences. but im not pursuing that right now because the time isnt right... but if it is it will be. and it will click. 

flight stuff

For quite some time i've been meaning to write this new note, there are some things id likje to throw out there.. where to start? always a lifetime ago... there are a couple of experiences id like to share from my flights back from portland. 1: we are in the air going over the rockies and the turbulence was so great that the plane wasnt just going up and down, but also back and forth.  crazy. ive been through turbulence but nothing quite like this, it was actually like a rollercoaster. and im sitting next to this older couple and at one point the woman grabbed the mans hand and gave him a little kiss and told him she loved him and i was wondering if she thought we wouldnt land... and how great it is that they were together and that she could still show him affection. 2: on a second flight during this same trip, we were waiting to take off and this little girl was crying because she had been sat separate from her family. so the girl she was with, im assuming her older sister, asked the guy that was sitting next to her to switch, which he did... but the man i was sitting next to was talking to me, telling me about how he'd just come from surprising his father for his 80th birthday and how their family hadnt been all together in one place in so long... and his father had kicked him out when he was 17yrs old and how thankful this man was for his dad pushing him that way. he said that years later his father had said to him that he thought he needed to be put out because he wouldnt have grown up any other way, but that he was glad because he'd become a good man. ive thought about this man a few times since that flight. i have this whole thing about people showing their true nature, having a bit of morality, humanity even, and i think that there are certain times that colors are really shown. and i think that we know theres only certain ways to go, and most of the time we choose the right path. i worry about the times we dont. do we fight for humanity... humility?