new news haha

i like a boy.

yes.

currently, at this moment i am sitting in a coffee shop in the elmwood district of buffalo. its a great area, very cool, laid back, people are my kind of people. they are intelligent and educated and inspirational. and yes ive been using that term a lot lately but thats because of how important inspiration is to motivation and motivation to production. 

to click

going back, or being impressed upon by the last couple of months and watching people i really care about show how inspirational they are.. ben and steph are amazing. they have the kind of love that we all dream of, fantasize about, and fear we won't find. they are friends, they have mutual respect and gratitude for each other, and you can see in their eyes that they will make the long haul. theres no one looking over their shoulder to see what else is there, like ive so often felt in my own relationships... and ive got other friends who in their relationships are friends and lovers and companions. i see clear differences between those 3 terms and what they entail. the other day i was discussing qualifications for a spouse (haha) ya know, what i am looking for... i know one person that fits me, and who i look at and can say that everything i do is just better if he does them with me. the stupidest days and the oddest situations. and as long as he's there i can laugh... and i love the comfortable silences. but im not pursuing that right now because the time isnt right... but if it is it will be. and it will click. 

flight stuff

For quite some time i've been meaning to write this new note, there are some things id likje to throw out there.. where to start? always a lifetime ago... there are a couple of experiences id like to share from my flights back from portland. 1: we are in the air going over the rockies and the turbulence was so great that the plane wasnt just going up and down, but also back and forth.  crazy. ive been through turbulence but nothing quite like this, it was actually like a rollercoaster. and im sitting next to this older couple and at one point the woman grabbed the mans hand and gave him a little kiss and told him she loved him and i was wondering if she thought we wouldnt land... and how great it is that they were together and that she could still show him affection. 2: on a second flight during this same trip, we were waiting to take off and this little girl was crying because she had been sat separate from her family. so the girl she was with, im assuming her older sister, asked the guy that was sitting next to her to switch, which he did... but the man i was sitting next to was talking to me, telling me about how he'd just come from surprising his father for his 80th birthday and how their family hadnt been all together in one place in so long... and his father had kicked him out when he was 17yrs old and how thankful this man was for his dad pushing him that way. he said that years later his father had said to him that he thought he needed to be put out because he wouldnt have grown up any other way, but that he was glad because he'd become a good man. ive thought about this man a few times since that flight. i have this whole thing about people showing their true nature, having a bit of morality, humanity even, and i think that there are certain times that colors are really shown. and i think that we know theres only certain ways to go, and most of the time we choose the right path. i worry about the times we dont. do we fight for humanity... humility? 

no sleep and a quick note

in less than 4 hrs i will be in the air on the way to portland, itll be great and fun and safe. im super excited to see steph again and meet ben and check out another awesome city. i love adding places to where ive been! really. theres been a lot and nothing at all going on. not anything i wanna get into right now, only because im beyond overtired. after another of the same conversations last night and the anxiety that i feel when flying, i didnt sleep. well, an hour. an hour of sleep in the last 40 hours. not cool. i have no idea how im functioning except that im so wired... but its gonna be fun. and ill be fine. indeed. =) 

to you from me... so you understand

there are certain things that i think are pointless, things i think are happy, sad, whatever. when i was younger i was quiet, i just didnt think that i had anything worth saying... those times are gone. and now i just say whatever the fuck comes to my head regardless of what the consequences might turn out to be. im not going to say this gets me in trouble, i refuse to apologize for being honest. but what happens when the honesty makes something really great turn to something really bad? at least really bad for now... is it bad? is it worth saying that im still living my life because i am trying not to regret, im trying not to pretend im something im not, im trying to be sure that if there was nothing left im not walking away wishing id done something different. and im glad that i have come far enough to recognize when i have made mistakes and that i attempt to rectify them. there was a time that i made excuses not to be who i really was and not to feel the emotions that i really felt. i guess now its your turn. so, the short of that is that i do apologize for not getting there quicker, but i think the time is why its so good now. and i feel like a fool but i also feel like i know theres no one walking out. maybe walking away for a minute, but not walking out. and i understand the fear completely because ive sat in that room trying like hell to make sure no one found me. and the truth is that you did, and you kept knocking. one of my favorite lines is from Hemmingway, he says, "By then I knew that everything, good and bad, left an emptiness when it stopped. But if it was bad, the emptiness filled up by itself. If it was good, you could only fill it by finding something better." so now i want to tell you that i hope you read this and that you dont shy away. and that there is nothing better, no one better, not for me. maybe i really am a fool. maybe i need to be. i wrote this list of qualities that i think are best in a man- my favorite things, the things that ive learned i like and dont like through the experiences ive had: "I want the man who can give me shit and take mine when im in that mood. and who is honest with me even when it might hurt and even if it might not be in his best interest. and who tells me that he doesnt like being touched when hes sleeping but will pull my arms around him anyway. and the man who looks at me and knows when somethings wrong and doesnt accept it when i try to tell him its nothing. i want the man who pushes me to be my best self but will still let me be my honest self. i want a best friend and a lover in the same man. and i want the man who will walk away when its best but will never leave for good. i want the man who apologizes when he knows hes wrong and even sometimes when he just knows its better. i want the man who smiles at me and makes me wonder why, and who looks at me so i know why exactly. i want the man who will defend me if i  need him to but knows that i can take care of myself."  this is the man that will give me my happily ever after, but with good music, campfires, and long nights of laughter and tears. 

uh-oh

i need to figure out what i'm doing pretty soon.  i am starting to apply for more jobs and looking at more schools. first i really need to figure out what it is that i want to do...